We won't sleep together?
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
