His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
