My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
