I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Randomize
