Just cropdusted the office
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
