I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Randomize
