can we get nightvision for the apartment?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
