so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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