i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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