i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
