the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
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This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
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Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
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