I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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