Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
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