I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
