just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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