I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
