youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I look better un-naked...
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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