I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
