Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
