You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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