Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
