So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
