I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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