Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
