Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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