Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
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