I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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