yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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