I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
