fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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