I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
