im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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