brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
