I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
This is the high leading the old right now
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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