Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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