If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
