1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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