You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
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no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
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Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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