he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I intend to get homeless drunk
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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