ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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