hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
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