my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Randomize
