Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
