i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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