I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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