the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
