I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
