Apparently you make a good broom.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
