I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
