This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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