God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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