I chose taco bell over sex...
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
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Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
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Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.