i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
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