I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
When are your genitals available?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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