I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Drake has all the answers
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
