I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
