She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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