dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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