i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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