I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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