Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
