Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
This is the high leading the old right now
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
