Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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