dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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