It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
